What next? First, a pause

“So, what are you going to next?”, “Where are you going?”, “What’s your new job?”

As soon as I announced I was leaving these questions came thick and fast. Of course I knew they would but I was woefully unprepared to answer them.  “Um, I’m not sure yet.”, “I’m going to take some time to work it out”, “….” followed by an apologetic shrug.  I can’t tell you the discomfort and plain horror I was faced with in response to these feeble mutterings.  The woman who is a professional organiser, known for getting things done, doesn’t have a plan?  It seemed to really unsettle some people.  They almost took offence.  How could I be so fool-hardy?  Others assumed my personal circumstances meant I didn’t need or want to work.  Assumed I was taking time to be a mum.  *Newsflash* I’m always a mum!  Being at work doesn’t get me off the hook!

It was hard not to feel unsettled myself by these strong reactions.  Was I being foolish?  Would employers look at a break in my career negatively?  Should I be applying for jobs?  It took another break a few weeks later in stunning Devon to get my head clear.  I can vividly remember the moment of clarity as it came to me.  Luke and the girls were off rock-pooling and I had fallen asleep in a deckchair on Saunton Sands beach*.  I woke up looking out over perfect, sun-kissed, unbroken sands and calm blue sea and knew I wanted to be free.  I needed to listen to my personal green cross code: stop, look around and listen to my gut.  I didn’t want to apply for another job.  I didn’t want to be an employee.  When Luke came back with the girls I beamed up at him: “I’m going to set up my own business”.  “Doing what?”.  “I don’t know yet”.  “Wicked!”  Have I told you how amazing my husband is?

I was honestly ready to hear a list of reasons why this wasn’t a good idea but Luke couldn’t have been more supportive.  He could see the spark had lit up in me again.  And that support made me feel like I could do anything.  I went back to my final few weeks at work totally relaxed in the face of the questions about my future.  I told people I was going to go it alone but first I was going to take some much needed time off.  This seemed to satisfy most.  I even started to see a hint of envy play around the corners of those smiles as I told them my loose plan. 

My break away from work was well timed; three weeks before the school summer holidays. Just enough time for a proper rest before a long stretch of family time.  I promised myself I would not try to figure out my professional life during this time but, because I find it impossible to live without one, I did have a to-do list.  This was it:

·       Get back to the gym

·       Read – for pleasure, for inspiration, for me

·       Plan the summer to end all summers filled with glorious family fun

·       Eat, drink and be merry with my wonderful friends.

All the elements of my life that I felt I had neglected for too long.  All the things I needed in my life to make me feel whole, balanced and happy.  And, for the first time in my adult life, I allowed myself to not think beyond that. To remain in the present.  And to love it. 

 

*This is a photo of the actual moment.  I knew it was something I had to capture and remember and never lose sight of.