I’m writing this on a train on a sunny Saturday afternoon heading off to meet some inspiring women. A lovely ex-colleague and friend of mine has organised a meet-up in London. She is someone who always lights me up and fills me with energy. Her positivity is contagious and I love spending time with her.
When she mentioned the meet up to me last time we spoke my immediate response was to think about all the reasons I couldn’t or shouldn’t go. It’s a Saturday, I should be spending time with the kids. It’s a long journey. I won’t know everyone there. And then I paused and asked myself, ‘Do you want to go?’ and the answer was a resounding ‘YES!’ So the next question was, ‘How will you make it happen?’. A chat with my lovely, supportive partner later and a quick look at the train timetable, and I confirmed I would be going.
It’s interesting to me that this wasn’t a straightforward decision. Connection is a core value for me. It is core to my business, to my well-being, to who I am. And yet saying yes to this meet up, and others like it, or coffees with contacts, can feel really hard. Like a luxury. And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. For allowing feelings of guilt to take priority over connecting with friends, contacts and colleagues. And then we find ourselves saying, ‘I haven’t seen anyone for ages’. We’ve given our energy to everything else that needs it. We’ve allowed duty to outweigh what we need for ourselves. But it comes at such a cost.
I know for myself that it’s my network of friends and colleagues (actually they are friends too!) that lifts me up, that supports me, that champions me, that inspires me, that puts opportunity in my way and that provides a whole heap of fun. And however busy I am, that stuff is too good, too important to de-prioritise.
So how are you making time for connection right now? When was the last time you were lifted up by your network? Where are you finding your inspiration? Without connection we merely survive. What’s stopping you from staying connected? Is it worth it?
Post-script
I’m on my way home, on a packed and sweaty train, and I am full of energy and ideas and excitement and joy. Feeling the impact of connecting with brilliant, like-minded women is buzzing through my veins. It has built me up. It has reinforced my belief that when we come together we can achieve anything we set our minds to. It has reminded me that it is always worth making time for this. It is always worth battling train cancellations and mis-placed, unnecessary guilt. It is at the heart of everything. Stay inspired, stay energised, stay connected.
And so it goes. On and on. We are so busy we don’t even know how we are. It is our accepted state of being. Some say it’s a badge. I don’t think so. I think it’s a flag. A red one.
We are so busy focussing outwards. Focussing on what we need to do for work, for the kids, for the house, for our friends, for our neighbours, for our family, for the environment, for the community, for, well, everyone else. So where do we come in all of this? How can we possibly find time for ourselves? I often ask the women I am working with this question: and what about you? Often they duck the answer, tell me about someone else’s needs. Sometimes they laugh. Sometimes they raise their eyebrows. Sometimes tears well up in their eyes. And all of these responses are red flags to me. Because how can we keep on giving when we are empty?
When I ask these women, what is it you need to help you feel ok? They often struggle, really struggle, to answer. It is something they often haven’t even thought of. Or, they feel guilty for prioritising it, so they don’t. And yet I know that without paying attention to those needs, overwhelm is around the corner (or already here) and just beyond that is burnout.
It’s the oxygen mask analogy. You must allow yourself to breath, to survive, in order to help those around you, including those you love most. Getting enough sleep, eating well, moving, connecting, or whatever else feels essential for you, that’s your oxygen mask. Do you know what yours are? The things without which you start to wobble or snap or, eventually, break.
I know answering this question isn’t easy. It never fails to amaze me how something so simple can feel so hard and at the same time, make such a powerful difference. But I will ask you – how are you? And if you aren’t OK, what do you need, right now, to get you to OK? Really pay attention to your answer. Is it peace and quiet? Is it sleep? Is it a chat with a good friend? Is it a run? Is it a lovely, long soak in a hot bath?
Whatever it is you need, I want you to give yourself that gift today. Give that to yourself. Because if we pay attention to what we need; those simple, straightforward, everyday things that keep us at OK, then we can truly give of ourselves. To those we love, to what we love, to a life we love. But it all starts with getting to OK. So pay attention today, and every day, because this matters. Your health matters. You matter.
Deliver Grow Coaching
I work with women who are ambitious for themselves and the causes they believe in. They are working hard to achieve those ambitions but it’s coming at a high cost: they are feeling increasingly overwhelmed, stressed and frustrated. My work supports them to step away from overwhelm and empowers them to achieve those things that are most important without burnout and sacrifice. If this sounds interesting and relevant for you, let’s chat.
Today is World Mental Health Day. I’ve been reflecting on how much my general mental health has improved over the last year. There are lots of reasons for this. I have more time, I feel less judged, I have spent a lot of time working through the demons that had crept in and started to take hold. There are a couple of things, though, that I think have made the biggest difference.
1) Challenging my habits. I spent last year setting myself monthly challenges – giving up and adding in all sorts of different things: booze, sugar and meat went out; meditation, painting and writing came in. Just for a month each time. And I was more successful with some challenges than others.
I set these challenges to test myself a bit and see what I might learn along the way. What I found was that breaking habits is possible and illuminating. I learnt about how I was using alcohol and sugary foods; I learnt that if I really want to make time for something I can. It has made me more mindful and conscious of decisions I make and what triggers me to make unhealthy or unhelpful choices.
It was only by really confronting these habits that I could see how my subconscious was driving some of my less helpful behaviours. It has had a significant impact on my physical health which has had a direct impact on my mental health.
2) Understanding my basic needs. This is something that I was introduced to through my training with One of Many. I was encouraged to think about what it is I need in my life to be OK. Not to be singing from the rooftops but to be able to do what needs to get done. Because if those things aren’t looked after how can I possibly deliver on everything else in my life? How can I give where I need and want to give if I am running at a deficit myself? Understanding what those needs are has taken me a while to figure out. I’ve been looking out for when I snap, feel low or get ill. What have I neglected? What needs attention?
And I’ve figured out that these six things are my foundation stones for staying well:
·Sleep – 7 hours a night
There was a time when I thought I would never get back to this. When I believed I would only ever sleep in three-hour chunks because of the kids; or when the swirl of demands on me would never stop breaking through every night. But it has happened. The children are older and now do actually sleep (miracle); I have worked hard to create calm and space before bed; and I have introduced strategies to get the crap out of my head – a kick-ass to do list system and writing writing writing! I know when I need to go to bed to cope with the early starts my firecracker daughter insists on greeting the day with. I know when to stop the caffeine. Project sleep is paying off!
·Nutritious food, including enough water, every day
I love chocolate. I love cake. I love crisps. I love chips. I still eat all of these. But I don’t rely on them. When my girls were little I genuinely felt like cake was a need. If I didn’t get my daily fix I would feel so hard done by. Cutting out sugar was a huge revelation. I felt better without it. I had MORE energy. I literally could not believe this! Eating well makes me feel better. I love cooking and trying new things and I just operate better on a good diet.
·Exercise at least three times a week (and getting outside everyday)
This is often the first thing to go out of the window when I’m busy but I am working super hard to change that because I know it is the one thing that has the biggest impact on keeping me well. Exercise clears my head, it fires me up, it helps me to keep perspective and it makes me feel strong.
·Alone time every day (minimum 30 minutes)
This one took me a long time to realise. I’m pretty extroverted and I love company but if I don’t have time by myself, quiet time in a quiet setting, I get antsy and impatient and snappy. It’s why working from home works so well for me. I savour my alone time. It allows me to be fully present when I’m back in the thick of it.
·Time to reflect through writing or meditating every day
I started doing morning pages (see The Artists Way) earlier this year. Three pages of stream of consciousness writing as close to waking up as you can. I don’t manage it every day but that is my goal. It clears my head, allows me to focus on what is important and allows flashes of insight and inspiration to be captured. I am a huge convert and would highly recommend giving it a go. I resisted it for a while – no way do I have time for that – but I do. Because I want to.
·A clean and tidy house (30 mins attention each day)
This one will be particularly hilarious for anyone who has known me for a long time. I am not a tidy person. Except I am. I am organised in every other element of my life and it is only very recently that I’ve realised I had a whole load of limiting beliefs around housework. I have taken control of the chaos and taken a conscious decision to lead in this area of my life. And it has been transformative. I feel a renewed sense of calm in my home and more able to cope when life is hectic. Little and often works for me. And if you need a kick start, check out the_organised_mum on Instagram or Facebook. Her method has helped me make a change that I sorely needed.
These things seem so simple don’t they. How could this possibly be a breakthrough? But it truly has been. Firstly, paying attention and noticing that when it is these specific things that go out of the window I will start to suffer, and if they are neglected consistently I will become unwell (when I say well and unwell here I am always talking about my physical AND mental health). By identifying them and writing them down and taking note of how I’m doing against them I give myself and those around me a clear message that these things are important. They are fundamental. They are not nice to haves. They are not luxuries. They are necessities. It is all too easy to forget them or lose sight of them when life is busy and hectic but that is exactly when they need to be heeded the most.
For me, this is self-care. This is me looking after me. And realising that this is important, knowing what I can do to keep myself well and committing to it every day has made a real difference to how I cope on a daily basis.
What would your fundamental needs be? Are you paying attention to them? If life is feeling overwhelming it may be time to pay attention to what you need each and every day to keep yourself ok. It is worth it. It will help. It’s not a luxury. It is a basic need.
From Flee to Free 